For the past 3 months, I have been studying in Belize. One question: if you were in Belize would you sit on your computer and blog. Yeah, did not think so. December 9th, I return. If you do not know where Belize is google it. Take note of the jealousy.
I do have a story to tide you over.
A Deb Tam Designs FML.
When I was 6 years old, I wanted roller blades. Day and night, I lusted over the four-wheeled shoes. My imagination ran wild, or should I say ‘rolled wild’. How did they ride? Bumpy? Smooth? Fast? I had to know. My good, hardworking, Asian Father (ethnicity is always relevant) did not understand my seemingly trivial desire. He preferred that I play the violin and practice my multiplication. But, I could never get past the rule of zero ($0 x $1,342,345 = $0).—IMPOSSIBLE. It makes ‘Zero Cents’…Punny. Normally, when asked by my dad, “Deb-or-a did you do you homewo-k?”, I would politely pretend to look confused. Then, I would proceed to tell him, “But, father, I don’t understand your Chinese accent”. I lied. I understood every missing syllable.
One evening, I ventured over to my neighbor’s house. I was hoping to exploit the neighborhood kids…I mean play ‘Nicely’ with them. Adults always tell kids to play ‘Nicely’, but every adult is too busy to show kids how to play ‘Nicely’. Once, I searched all over my house for the instructions to the game: ‘Nicley’. I imagined it was a board game. I never found the game or the instructions. So, I never played ‘Nicely’ with my friends.
A lot of kids would tattle and cry, “Deb won’t play ‘Nicley’ with me”. I tried to tell them my family did not own ‘Nicely”. When my mom asked, “Debbbb did you play Nicely with the neighbors?” By her tone, I assumed she really wanted me to play Nicely with my friends. It must have been an educational board game… she really liked those. So, I politely lied and said, “why, yes of coarse I played Nicely, mother”. If only she knew, I never did. I hate disappointing my parents. One childhood lesson I learned, if your going to lie, make sure you’re lying politely.
Anyways back to my story. I was at my neighbor’s house, when I first laid eyes on the roller blades. They produced this untouchable aura. Sigh, another sigh, gasp., ugh, gasp, gasp, ugh, gasp…I wanted to get my hands all over those bad boys. I looked around. No one in sight. Without hesitation, I snatched the roller blades and sprinted as fast as my lanky half-Asian legs could carry me (ethnicity is always relevant).
I finally reached home. Safe. Excitedly I slipped on the roller blades. Ohhhh they felt so good on my bare feet. I stood up. I wobbled. I knew I needed to stay out of sight and so I hid behind my family mini van. No one would be able to see me there I thought. I was sporting my favorite Tommy Hilfiger overalls (Trust me the Tommy Hilfiger racist scandal of 1996 struck me hard too… I always felt a sense of guilt when I wore my red, blue, and white Tommy clothes…so much for American pride). I spent the rest of the evening riding the blades. My hands never left the support of the Tam family mini. As I rolled back and forth, back and forth, I pictured my boy crush seeing me ride these roller blades. (Five years later, he ends up going to prom with my older sister and I am left perched in a maple tree watching them pose for pictures. FML). Man would he want me. I looked so cool. But, I felt even sexier.
When it got dark, I realized what I had done: I stole. Nervous. I hid the roller blades in the corner of my garage.
The next day at the bus stop, everyone was looking for the roller blades. I wanted to vomit my egg, cheese, extra bacon sandwich with the crust cutt off.
When I got home from school there was a police car at the scene of the crime. Had I known he was going to need his beautiful blades for a birthday part at the Roller Palace the next day, I would have planned my grand theft accordingly. FML.
My squinty eyes grew large. I felt sick. My mom asked me if I knew where the roller blades were. I stared directly at her and lied. I was becoming a pathological liar. I justified it by being polite.
Just as I thought it could not get worse. It happened. She betrayed me, Julia, my sister, my very own blood. The princess came waltzing out with her Tommy Hilfiger polo, pucca shell necklace, and her platform jellys holding the roller blades. She screeched with pride, “I found them, I found them”. Idiot. I rolled my eyes. Then proceeded to force a couple of tears. Cops, neighbors, and parents can’t yell at crying cute Asian girl whimpering, “but all I wanted to do was play Nicely with the roller blades”. It works every time.
Feels good to have that off my flat chest.
Remember only God judges.
Just as I thought it could not get worse. It happened. She betrayed me, Julia, my sister, my very own blood. The princess came waltzing out with her Tommy Hilfiger polo, pucca shell necklace, and her platform jellys holding the roller blades. She screeched with pride, “I found them, I found them”. Idiot. I rolled my eyes. Then proceeded to force a couple of tears. Cops, neighbors, and parents can’t yell at crying cute Asian girl whimpering, “but all I wanted to do was play Nicely with the roller blades”. It works every time.
Feels good to have that off my flat chest.
Remember only God judges.
