Didn’t go on vacation for spring break? Feeling down?
Lucky for you, Deb Tam has provided simple, quick-fix solutions to brighten your day.
Disclaimer #1:
Deb wanted to go on spring break. Deb tried to join her sister, Julia, on her Miami trip. Deb was denied. Twice. NHFFAF. (NO HURT FEELINGS FORGIVE AND FORGET).
Disclaimer #2:
The following advice will only bring temporary, fleeting happiness. It will fail to provide any long-lasting joy. But, Deb highly recommends trying them all…
Disclaimer #3:
Deb is a pathological liar. (Irrelevant disclaimer?)
1. Decline a facebook friend request – IT IS EMPOWERING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Splurge on Crest White Strips. Guaranteed to make your face look tanner. Remember--you will do anything to look darker than when you left campus. Hey, if that did not sell you…each application takes 30 minutes. If I did the math correctly that is…30 minutes less of your uneventful day.
3. Go tanning. Forget about the times you judged and poked fun at those who faked and baked. Forget about all the research that proves tanning causes cancer. Forget about the sweaty stranger that was in the tanning bed before you. FORGET IT ALL! Cognitive Dissonance: Purge yourself of the guilt. Remember anything can be justified --Just think about how cute and orange you will look. BONUS-- No one will ever know…it is the only time in the winter season, you can go tanning without being asked, “oh, your so tan, did you go tanning”? Humiliation.
4. Important! Check, and then double-check your facebook status. The status should always say, “offline”. If, you are “online” for more than 2 hours, people start to take notice. Everyone will know you lied about vacationing in Cabo.
Side note: regardless of spring break, your status should never say “online”. Unless, you need help on your homework --from that boy/girl that sits next to you in class, but never can remember his/her name. Yeah, that is the only time.
5. Instead of binge drinking, try binge eating…the end result is the same.
6. Then, try on your smallest bikini while looking in the mirror. It has been a long exercise-less winter… it’s a good chance you did yourself a favor.
7. Strike up small talk with the locals…
8. Lying on a mattress is far more comfortable than a towel.
9. Remember: Moms do not go on spring break…nor do their wallets or home-cooked dinners. Exploit your mother, I mean appreciate her, and her willingness to make you feel at home.
But, if your mom is on spring break, you’re probably five years old, and without a father. Therefore, it is a good chance tbat you are at grandma’s house, and on her computer, teaching her how to use “gogle”. #whathasthisworldcometoo.
11. Read a good ole’ tabloid. Us magazine: The Bachelor Finds Love. Overall, it is engaging and thought provoking.
Summary: The antagonist, Brad Womack, ruins the protagonist, Emily, and her daughter’s life. Genre: Tragic Romance?
And, if all else fails, just have a positive attitude…no one likes a sourpuss.
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. " – Herm Albright
No offense, but you’re offending me. Enjoy your spring break.
-Deb Tam Designs
